Dear Lovely One,
I’m writing this to you though I haven’t met you I know where you are at. Sorry for seeming presumptuous. But I see you. You are smiling, and you look like you got it together. But underneath, it’s fog, and distrust, and worry, and uncertainty.
Five years ago I was where you are
Scared, worried, stuck, disappointed.
Even though there were plenty of people around me I felt so utterly alone.
And yes, like you, there are times when things feel good. And yes, sometimes you feel so completely ungrateful because you have a roof over your head, and friends, and people who care about you, and a job, and some money in your pocket.
But. Still. There is this sense of frustration that engulfs you. “This isn’t the way your life has to feel” (That was the message in me that I could hear, quietly, when I had those moments when I wasn’t so numb or busy to block it out. Those same moments where this rush of butterflies in my stomach would make me laugh out loud for no reason within this kind of euphoric buzz. And that wasn’t the drugs)
I will never forget. The feeling of being out of control. The nights when you are so hammered in a club you break your heart over not knowing why you are broken to your best mate. Or the many, many times when you have said “I’m fine” so many times you don’t even know how you are actually feeling.
I had a moment when I realised I hadn’t consciously agreed to the way my life was panning out. I hadn’t signed up to feel so disgusted with myself, with the way I looked, what I said, what I was doing and the endless cycle of drama and the waiting, the bloody waiting:
the waiting for the perfect man to come and make me feel better, the waiting for the better job to come along, the waiting for the moment I would stop feeling so anxious about every single decision I wasn’t able to make….
or the feeling that if I buy that top I will look better or if I get my hair cut in that salon I’ll look amazing or if I do what she is doing people will think I’m OK
There isn’t anybody or any thing that is going to make you feel any better OR stop beating yourself up for everything that has happened to you in the past.
Well, there is one person and one thing. That’s you and that’s the moment you say, like I did “Enough. I feel shit enough now, it’s happened enough times that I want to do something differently now”
Fast forward to now and my life is gloriously imperfect. (This is not a blog telling you that I have got it sussed if that’s what you are looking for) But I feel (excuse my french) FUCKING great. Even in the moments when I fuck up and make mistakes I still feel ALIVE. I get it. I get the glorious experience that this life is. And I am alive to every moment of it. The good, the bad and the beautiful.
So lovely one. It’s not just you. Take a deep breath. You are so worthy of unconditional love, but gorgeous, that starts with you accepting you in all your beauty, darkness, light and previous fuckups. (That have all been there to bring you to where you are now) I know it doesn’t feel like it but everything is going to be OK.
I’m launching the Soul Confidence tribe as I want there to be a global community of women who are saying YES: YES I AM UP FOR MORE JOY AND PEACE IN MY LIFE AND I WANT TO SEE THAT IN THE WORLD AROUND ME.